Posted by: nancyca | April 16, 2008

April 16th, 2008b

Today was a hard day for me.  Today at 3pm was the memorial service at the hospital chapel for all who passed away at the hospital the 3 months prior.  My Mom was one of them.  This would be the only service that would take place for her.  Unfortunately I was the only child that couldn’t be there.  It was held in Santa Cruz, CA.  Just a bit too far for us.

I decided around 1pm that I wasn’t going to think about it.  I was just going to get my stitching about 2:30 and put on a Doris Day movie and just focus on that and nothing else.  Well, things were going pretty good.  I truly had put it out of my mind…until I smelled it.  I smelled my Mom’s perfume like she was sitting next to me.  It truly caught me off guard.  I thought I had just imagined it and looked up at the clock.  It was 3:10pm.  I even said out loud to myself, “Nancy…you just imagined it.  It wasn’t really here.”  And then I smelled it again.  I started to cry and realized that Mom was letting me know that it was okay to mourn her once again.  As I do every day and especially this day as my entire family was there mourning her too.

See, since I’ve been here through all this ordeal (except when the kids and I flew down after she had the strokes and on the day of her carotid artery surgery) I’ve had no one to really grieve to.  Yes, my dh is home on the weekends, but during the week it is just me and the kids. And I have to be strong mom during the week.  And the past 9 weeks haven’t been easy.

My sister made me really mad/upset.  See, my sister and I are totally opposites (besides being 18 years apart in age).  She lives for herself and making herself center of attention.  Me?  I live to make others happy first.  My Mom was the same way as me and it’s just who I am.  I will never change.  And, you know what?  I don’t want to.  I love my life and I love who I became as an adult/wife/mom.  Anywhoot…she called me after the services and starts telling me how everyone was crying and singing for Mom and who all was there, yadda yadda yadda… Not thinking how much I wanted to be there.  I tried to tell her 3 times about what I had happen here…while I was alone and trying to deal with it today.  But, she wouldn’t listen.  It’s typical her.  If the conversation isn’t about her, it’s one she doesn’t want to have.  I love my sister, but she seems to forget that my heart is broken too.  She just can’t see me face to face hurting like she can our other siblings.

So, I talked to my Dad and told him about it.  He said it was Mom letting me know she’s okay and that it’s okay to still cry and mourn her.  That I need to do that and I need to stop stopping myself from mourning.

OKay…enough of that.  I know some of you are probably so tired of hearing about my Mom.  But, you have to understand one thing.  Our family is extremely close.  Me especially with my parents.  I’m the baby of the family and I knew that my parents would pass away when I was fairly still young.  And I do consider 43 a young age to lose a parent.  I know that everyone tells me it will get easier.  It’s been just over 2 months and it’s not any easier yet.  When does it get easier?

Other than that, I got some stitching in on the stocking today.  I have the squirrel finished at the top except for one color that I cannot find in my ZILLION skeins of DMC.  So, I’ll go on until I get to the store to get one. lol

How was your day?

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Responses

  1. You dear girl. I am so happy that you realized why your mom paid you a visit. It is just fine for you to mourn whenever you feel like it. And especially when certain things like this occur, if you could not be at the service at least you could think about your mom and know that she loves you. It will get easier, the tears will be further apart. And one day you’ll find that you only remember the happy times, and you might even laugh (and maybe cry at the same time). I lost my mom when I was 14, 40 years and I still spend some time lighting a candle for her on her birthday, sometimes I cry, sometimes I laugh, and sometimes I smell her perfume….and all that is OK. If your dear sister never learns that someone besides herself is as important as she is, then I feel sorry for her, because that means she has only herself…and look at all those wonderful people you have. Love and light to you.


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